Oops! My Brain Got Mean Again

Even I am not immune to roasting perfectly innocent, beautiful strangers. We're working on it, okay?!

Last week I had a moment that straight-up bonked me over the head because of how out of character it was for me. I was walking down the sidewalk here in Brooklyn, minding my own business (or so I thought), when I saw it. A femme-leaning person, early 50s maybe, with long brown hair wearing a camel-colored long sleeve under a knit pink vest, skinny jeans, and leather boots with button detailing. But none of that registered at first, because my brain shot straight to the SIDEWAYS BASEBALL CAP. The bill was at a perfect 45º angle. Their outfit screamed “confident and unique!” but my immediate inner monologue went full terrible, judgmental person mode. "What a weird look. It looks bad! They look bad! Ew!"

Ew? EW?!! Where the heck did that come from, Meg?

I imagine my mean inner monologue alter ego is the villain from Lizzie McGuire, Kate Sanders.

My reaction made me stop in my tracks on the busy sidewalk (something that I still feel guilty about). There I was, silently roasting a total stranger in my head for the angle of their hat. WHY THOUGH?! Why was I that bothered by hat geometry? Was it bothering me, truly, or was I just parroting some cruel little thought planted by others that I didn't even agree with?

I took myself straight to the park, I needed to have a talk with me. This moment felt too gross and too important to just brush off and continue on my way. Sitting on one of those green benches, I gave myself a mental smack on the wrist. “Meg! What the heck are you doing? Why are you being mean inside your own brain?” It wasn’t this random person with their wonky hat who had the problem. It was me!! I had passively absorbed some weirdly strict construct of a rule about hats, and instead of questioning it, I just flung it at someone like a catapult of shame. Ew, indeed, Meg. Ew!!

That moment was the bonk over the head I needed. Even for me, it is annoyingly easy to judge people in ways that are subliminally soaked up from the world. This noise in the background of life gets so loud that we don’t even realize we’re adopting other people's opinions as our own, mindlessly critiquing things like sideways baseball caps as if that’s what we actually believe. We don’t even take the time to ask, do I even agree with the thought I just had?

I hate this for us!!!

I don’t want to be a person whose first reaction is "Ew." Not about someone’s hat, or their choice of clothes, or the way they express themselves. That’s boring at best and mean at worst. I! WANT! TO! NOTICE! THE! BEAUTY!

This week, I decided to try something intentional to cleanse my palette. To try and drown-out the roasting of strangers, I’m focusing on noticing. Noticing uniqueness. Noticing character. Noticing the stuff strangers don’t even realize they’re revealing about themselves and celebrating, not judging. This week, I’m walking around with my eyes peeled for uniqueness and beauty. And the good news is, It’s everywhere!

Literally right now I’m writing this from my beloved writing spot, a coffee shop/brewery combo, where I’ve been sneaking glances at the finance guy across from me. He’s got the traditional uniform down perfectly: a fleece that says "Vail Capital", classic crew cut hair, black rimmed glasses. Even though he's not giving me much in the unique wardrobe department, he's actually giving me A LOT by just being himself. Somehow, in a world of eight billion people, nature gave us a brand-new arrangement of eyes, nose, and mouth just for him and he looks unlike anyone I’ve ever seen. He keeps scrunching his nose, tilting his head sideways squinting at his laptop while he thinks in a way that's very endearing. And a moment ago he took a phone call and decided to step outside into the sun, eyes closed, head pointed up to soak in the warmth of the sun, scrunching up his fleeced sleeves to cool off, looking so peaceful. For a moment, he burst into laughter and he had the most wonderful, unexpectedly unique laugh unlike one I’ve heard. Wow, and what an honor it is, honestly, to be a background character in his story for just a little bit.

When I stop judging and start noticing, I'm able to see that we're all completely unique little aliens of humanity who exist in our own big, beautiful stories. Sometimes those stories lead someone to pick out the perfect baseball cap and intentionally turn it at an angle because they like how it looks. Sometimes those stories make someone look “classic finance guy” at first glance, but also a uniquely stunning, beautiful work of art when you just look a little deeper!

If I hadn’t stopped in my tracks last week and challenged my own ridiculous judgment, I might not have noticed this. I might have missed it all. I would have kept hurling forward in my own world silently judging. And that is not the world I want to live in!

Here’s something I’ve learned in my week-long experiment of Not Judging Strangers Right Away. The people in our shared spaces are quiet, walking art pieces if you’re willing to take a breath and look. The flair! The confidence! The way their eyes crinkle when they laugh, the way they sound on the phone with their mom, the way they walk delicately as to not spill their coffee over the rim of their mug. If you just start noticing and celebrating the uniqueness, life almost instantly becomes more joyful, more curious, more loving.

This week, focus on: noticing the details in strangers!

Try it! Start noticing the unusual, unique or tiny, barely perceptible details about the people passing through your daily life and reflect on how amazing it is that any of us exist at all, in all our odd little ways. Compliment someone if you can (and mean it!). Or just think the complement in your head, smile to yourself, and beam the good energy out into the room. If barking it out loud makes you uncomfy, It’s okay to just believe it quietly. But when you do, trust me, you’ll walk around feeling more hopeful about humanity and it leads to a practice of regular independent thought.

I hope you’ll start looking around at the sideways hats, unexpected socks, unique laughs, and interesting jackets and think about them with a little more curiosity and love!

Roasting myself a little, to atone!

• I just got back after a week off and I lost my work ethic! I can’t stop doing nothing and every day I feel guilty because I need to respond to emails and do my dang work, but the sun is out and there’s an extra hour of daylight. Woof!!

• I am what someone on TikTok once described as a “piss girl”. Meaning, I wait until the last minute to pee. It’s happening right now. I have to pee so bad but I’m waiting to finish this post to do so. Please don’t respond to this by telling me how bad it is for my bladder health. I KNOW!

• Today I am wearing sunglasses that do not fit my head. They’re far too wide and every time I look down they just plop right off my face. I should have just returned them and honestly I need to stop shopping online (for many reasons) because I am too lazy to go through a return process and I end up wearing a lot of things that do not fit me. I’m working on it!

Celebrating myself a little, because I am beautiful!

• This week I made an appointment with my hair colorist to make my hair its natural color. I haven’t had my natural hair color since…2009? I am ready. And I’m happy to finally be here, ready. It’s happening soon and I’m scared but excited!

• I’ve been practicing the art of letting go of overconsumption. I stopped myself from buying an electric nose hair trimmer yesterday because my little scissors are Good Enough. I don’t need the single-use product. It’s a want, not a need. Good job, me! And who decided nose hair is a problem anyway? Do I even agree?!

• Nothing makes me feel more powerful, confident, and capable than being at the gym. I’m 5’2” and built like a TANK and I wear these tight little outfits that show off my muscles and spend a lot of time staring at my body in the mirror because when I’m at the gym they’re all pumped and plumped and I look at the other people of all shapes and sizes who are also looking at their muscles in the mirror and I think, “Wow, we’re really here doing it!”. I used to absolutely hate looking at my body in a mirror and the thought of any of this would have made me squirm. I’ve come so far in my self-confidence and it’s really profound!