Yes, I’m “too nice”. No, I’m not changing!

If I'm not harming myself or anyone else, I’m not getting crustier to make this world feel more comfortable.

Quick thing before we slide: This isn’t a post about the difference between being “nice” or “kind” or “a people pleaser”. Semantics and the rules of the world hurt my head! This is about what it’s like to live as someone who’s constantly told they’re too much of all of it. Too kind. Too nice. Too soft. Too accommodating. A real people pleaser (eye roll).

This is about how people perceive those traits and how I’ve learned to love them, own them, and stop letting the world's discomfort with my personality shape who I am.

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Our world treats people who are soft, empathetic, open-hearted like they’re naive or weak or stupid.

Well I’m not sorry! I’m not here to get tougher. I’m here to be my naturally soft self on purpose. To cry because I love so hard. To be a full-grown adult who daydreams about hugging strangers and says thank you to cashiers while clutching my heart because I genuinely mean it. Who starts crying while I'm writing this because I mean it THAT much.

Because this world wants us cold. It wants us skeptical. It wants us to believe that kindness and empathy makes us naive. And that's by design. They want us angry, polarized, desensitized, with trust issues, unable to love or move any longer.

Too nice? I take it as a compliment!

I’ve been called naive, weak, “too nice” more times than I can count. And that makes me smile because I know it means I'm being true to my realest self. I take pride in being nicer than the average person. Because I mean it! It's not fake. It’s not a performance! It’s real. I love that I love people! I love that I care! I love that I cry at people reuniting at the airport, happily let someone cut me in line, and eat the pasta I didn’t order because it looks delicious too! I love that about me!!!

In my 20s, like most of us, I was deeply impressionable. Loud voices told me how I should be, what my personality should look like. I got told A LOT that I needed to "stand up for myself." Like, "Meg, you ordered the pesto pasta and they gave you meatball marinara. SAY SOMETHING." So I’d pretend to do what others do, against my gut. I’d make a fuss, send something back, and feel sad and resentful of my dinnermate because the meatball marinara looked good and I wanted to eat it.

I love surprises! I’m hard to disappoint! I love trying new things! I love when plans change and I get to roll with it! I’m not faking that, it’s real. I promise.

All of that, combined with my giant ability to empathize, care, and hold many feelings at once, makes me genuinely excited when my order is wrong and still something tasty. I'm not upset! I'm excited to eat something different. I’m grateful not to waste food. I want the server to feel okay because we live in a nightmare hellscape and they’re probably doing ten people’s jobs and not getting paid enough. I’M LITERALLY HAPPY TO EAT THE MEATBALL MARINARA!!!

And yet there I’d be, 20-something Meg, sitting across from someone who’d get all worked up if I wouldn’t speak up about getting the wrong order. If I wouldn’t, they’d even flag down the server and say something FOR me. THE WORST.

But I’ve lived longer now. I have confidence in myself now. I know what I love about myself and what doesn’t need changing. If it’s not harming me or anyone else, I’m not fixing it to make this world feel more comfortable. I know how to say no when someone is stepping on me or manipulating me. And now I also I know how to explain myself when the wrong pasta is delivered and I don’t mind. And I love this part of me more than ever!

The barista deserved peace!

Just last week I was in line at a coffee shop. I whispered to my partner, “Ooh I want that blueberry iced latte again!” But the line was long, the barista was working solo, and they were closing soon. I remembered how long that latte took to make and I could SEE the fluster in the barista’s eyes from far back in the line.

So I pivoted. “Nevermind! I’ll get a cold brew instead.”

My partner (a true Meg stan who knew what I was thinking) said, "You should get what you want! The people in line can wait."

But I was genuinely happy to!!! So I replied, "I also love their cold brew. It’s delicious and it helps the line move faster and would make the barista's life easier. Everybody wins! I'm just being empathetic and I love that about me."

That’s not me denying myself of joy to please someone else. That’s not be pretending to want something else to please a stranger. That’s me understanding what brings me joy and what keeps me aligned with who I am. And who I am is someone who likes life to be easier for others. Who loves a lot of drinks. Who is empathetic. And who doesn’t think being this way is a character flaw. Especially when I'm happy to do so!

Not causing harm? No need to change!

If you’re fake-niceing your way through life and then stewing in resentment after every favor you didn’t actually want to do…yeah, that’s a problem.

If you’re overextending yourself to be liked because you’re craving a kind of love or validation you didn’t grow up receiving? An opportunity for growth!

But if you’re genuinely joyful in your helpfulness? If you’re acting in alignment with who you are and feel GOOD about it afterward? That’s just being you, babe, not causing harm, just being a kind person. And that doesn't make you naive or stupid. I'm sorry they made you feel that way!

Reeeally leaning into it during conflict too!

Since leaning into this, I’ve become so much better at navigating the things where the world would want me to be more of a hard-ass instead of a squish-heart. Conflict. Confrontation. Difficult situations. I don’t have to pretend to do it the way that's socially acceptable. Trying to fit into that mold is what made me avoid conflict all together. But now I know I don’t have to play-act toughness or react like someone else would.

I get to be me. Kind! Empathetic! Clear! Direct! Loving! Thoughtful! Tender! Someone who can say, "This isn’t okay" and still want you to live a prosperous life where you grow and gain loving-kindness for yourself and others. A happy ending is all I desperately want for us all.

When I handle situations in a way that's aligned to my personality, my heart, and my values, I move on faster, feel less anxious, and am more resilient!

Want more?

Here's a bonus thought explosion from one of my favorite creators, Onyi Ijeh. Onyi has a way of taking complex thoughts and big topics and putting them into short form video. Watch here:

@wontonameraOn people pleasing vs kindness

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What do they say is wrong with YOU?!

Respond to this email or leave a Substack comment. I want to know:

What’s a part of you that society has been telling you is wrong that you’re actually leaning into?

Weird how literally almost every personality trait has baggage tied to it! It's like they don't want us to like ourselves or something??? Hmmm!